Why am I making myself sad 😭

I've had this really nice (sad 😭) head canon about Angus and Rohan growing up. I could write it as fanfic...

... or I could just barf it into a post like I'm doing now.

So this is about the two of them when they were very young.

Basic backstory: in my head, when they say they've known each other for "practically all their lives" and "as long as either of them could remember," they mean it: I have Angus as being a year older, and the two of them meeting when Rohan was six and Angus was seven. Both orphans. Both without a home. Rohan woke up from where he'd fallen in a forest one day, and Angus was the kid standing over him, the first thing Rohan saw, who was waiting to see if he was dead or not lol

Angus took enough of a liking to Rohan when they were in that forest that when Angus went to leave, and Rohan sort of baby-duck'd onto him and followed along, Angus mostly just shrugged. There was a village nearby, after all, and that's where Angus had been headed anyway, having just been passing through that forest when he saw a maybe-corpse. When Angus goes to leave that village a few days later, Rohan continues baby-ducking and following his new best friend. Angus, being seven and not thinking any further than his next meal, shrugs and accepts that he's got a buddy now. He has no idea that he's just signed up for a life-long commitment.

Skip ahead to their present day, or maybe a few months after the finale. Maeve's exiled, Nemain hasn't started her shenanigans yet, so there's a decent sense of peace over Kells.

Rohan is telling the others about how he and Angus grew up. In this particular version of my daydream (I like changing it), it's because Rohan's still trying to bond with Lugad but doesn't know how to be an older brother to him. Ivar explains that an older brother's supposed to protect his younger siblings, guide them through life, keep them happy, and help shape them into who they are as adults. And Rohan's miffed, because Lugad's already grown, so it seems like the ship's sailed on that.

Deirdre tries to think of ideas for Rohan to try, and eventually asks how it was for him and Angus. Rohan does his little scoff-laugh, saying he doesn't see what that matters. When the others push, he says Angus is his best friend...

... but to be honest, he wouldn't say Angus was 'protecting' him. Rohan was usually the one getting Angus out of trouble, and Lugad isn't antagonizing every guard in every village. In fact, Lugad grew up in one place. It might have been on a horrible island, but at least Lugad didn't make Rohan move a hundred times because of some tiny thing he didn't like about where they were one morning.

This gets into him explaining that when they were boys - Rohan being seven, Angus being eight - they'd had some rough times trying to survive by themselves. They did take care of each other, but Angus would... well, he'd be a little selfish from time to time. Rohan doesn't blame him because they were both so young, but he says that's the difference between being brothers and being best friends. Rohan loves him and obviously Angus is his family now, but back then, they were just two kids that happened to meet one day.

He gives examples when the others ask. For instance: food. There wasn't much of it. Sometimes, they'd be close to starving. And sometimes, Angus would let the hunger get the best of him, and he'd eat his whole share - more than that - before Rohan even got back to split it. And then Rohan would be stuck eating whatever happened to be left.

It was almost funny, because Rohan could even see how bad it was. Sometimes, Angus would get caught by the guards for stealing and be gone for a few days. Magically, there'd be enough food the whole time that Angus was gone. No hard feelings, Rohan stresses, but it was entertaining to look back on it. Angus had never lost that appetite either; even now, he'd eat everything around him.

The most frustrating part was how Angus always had to complain about where they were living. It'd be over something small, and so small that Rohan can't remember now that nearly fifteen years have passed, but Angus would think it was more than enough reason to pack up that very night and head onto the next village. Eventually, they got to the village closest to the castle, and they had to stay there because where else were they going to go? Rohan had genuinely been afraid when he first became Cathbad's druid, thinking that in the meantime, Angus was going to head off again - without Rohan.

He hadn't. :) All was well.

Anyway, that was why taking lessons from Angus wasn't the best approach.

There's dinner in the throne room later on, and Angus is here now. There's a light conversation and Rohan idly laughs about having to move from village to village so often. Angus rolls his eyes and laughs like he agrees the whole thing was a chore, and Rohan says that at least a lot of good came out of it: if Angus hadn't been so picky, they would've never been where they needed to be for Rohan to become Draganta.

To be honest, there were fun moments while they were moving, too. Angus would whine endlessly about how much he hated the forest, which would shut him up when they finally got to their next village. But despite that, Angus would tell Rohan story after story. They'd be made up, but Rohan still remembers some of them. They were vivid - Angus has always had a way of spinning a tale, and those would lull him to sleep under those trees. It was peaceful. Rohan kind of misses it. Too bad Angus hates sleeping on the ground.

Deirdre asks what sort of stories these were. Rohan says they'd be ones about a clumsy bunny who kept dropping its magic rings, or even one about the princess herself, trying to pluck a silver plate from a waterfall of plates, and only having one chance. Or there'd be a field of grass made out of gold, and a knight having to stomp through with his armour, trying to stop the sheep from eating all the golden grass. Cute things like that.

Angus is a little impressed that Rohan remembers those. Rohan shrugs, saying he's always enjoyed Angus' stories. But now that they're talking about it, and knowing that Rohan did appreciate getting to be in the forest enough to hear them all, what did Angus hate about all those villages?

There's a thoughtful silence and smirk from Angus like he thinks Rohan's making a joke, but Rohan insists he's serious. Angus decides to only half-joke back, glibly replying that it mostly had to do with all of them getting burned down.

Rohan's confused. The others are more surprised, and are able to ask Angus what he means. Angus says that each of those villages were attacked by Temrans. There was a war, after all.

Rohan's very confused.

Not about the war - yes, obviously, there was a war - but about being attacked. They never got attacked by Temrans.

Angus says yes, that's true. Because Angus got them out of the village when he'd heard enough rumours to predict an attack was coming. So then he'd get them both out of there.

The others start asking Angus what it was like, growing up like that. Rohan is quiet as Angus brushes it off and says it was fine, that's how it used to be by the border, and the trick was to keep moving deeper into Kells - towards the castle. In fact, that's how Angus met Rohan: he'd been leaving one village that'd just been attacked, and found this lump of a boy lying in the middle of a forest between the next one. And so a friendship was born.

Rohan says they were never attacked.

Angus agrees again, saying they always stayed a night ahead of it.

Rohan asks how Angus could know.

Angus says they could hear it from the forest.

Rohan says he never heard a thing.

Angus squints at him.

The stories, Angus explains, still kind of smirking because he thinks it's funny that he has to spell this out, were him trying to cover it up. He makes Rohan go through the ones he remembers. What did they have in common? Metal. Crashing on metal. Angus barely remembers any of them, but he's sure there would've been a few to cover any screams.

...

Rohan thinks.

In the awkward silence that Angus is trying to break for the others, Rohan brings up that one story about the wolves that were terrible at howling.

Angus grins. Exactly his point. One of them had to get some sleep, so it might as well have been Rohan.

The others start to chat excitedly about this, Ivar even alluding to Rohan being wrong about Angus looking after him, until Rohan interrupts again. He's beginning to frown.

Rohan asks what Angus means by 'getting some sleep'. He remembers Angus sleeping all the time back then. It was partly why it took so long to leave the forest.

Angus says he'd tell Rohan stories to get the boy to sleep, but Angus himself would be awake to keep an eye out for Temrans. They liked to attack at night back then, so night-time was all he'd been worried about. He'd take naps throughout the day to get some rest in. Which was fine. It helped with the hunger anyway.

Rohan calls Angus out on that, saying Rohan never took naps and he'd have even less to eat than Angus would. That earns him a look from Angus, so he explains how there'd be times where someone wouldn't stick to eating their fair share.

Angus is mildly outraged by the accusation, asking when that had ever happened. Back then, he clarifies. He sneaks a bit now 'cause Rohan always puts the good stuff in his half.

Rohan says that when they were boys, Angus would wait until Rohan was out and then help himself to the food. There'd barely be enough for one of them, and Angus decided to take the first bites anyway.

Angus squints at him.

Rohan frowns back.

Angus asks, starting to smile, like Rohan is playing a trick on him, if Rohan had ever seen Angus this so-called 'share'.

Rohan says no, and that was the point. Angus waited until Rohan had left.

Angus says yes, that was the point. He'd wait for Rohan to go, then wait for him to come back so Angus could lie. There was barely enough for one of them, after all, and Rohan would always make them split it evenly. Angus starts joking about it with the others, bragging about how he'd let Rohan split the food, then just hide his own share and give it back to Rohan at night. There they were, starving orphans, and Angus still had that boy eating twice a day. Better to spread it out like that, obviously.

Rohan doesn't believe this. He can't quite argue it, but he wants to. Eventually he says that if that's true, why would there be food to spare whenever Angus got taken away by the guards?

Angus laughs outright at that, but not at the part about food. The part about the guards. They were living in villages - what guards? Rohan's been living in a castle for too long.

Before Rohan can ask about that, Angus answers his first question with a question: what exactly did he get taken away for? Stealing, was it? And what did he steal? Oh, there was food to spare? Funny, that.

Garrett asks who took Angus to jail, then. Angus says there was no jail. Whatever villager he'd taken food from would find out, beat him half to death, and then he'd need a few days to come limping back to Rohan. He means it light-heartedly, but it's a little more bitter than the rest of what he's said, and the meaning of his words bring an unmistakable sense of pity to the table.

Except for Rohan, who is deeply confused and a tad angry.

Rohan asks if Angus is saying that he wouldn't eat, just give Rohan his food, then sleep through the hunger as they ran from village to village, always only barely ahead of the Temrans.

Angus says yup.

Angus says he's also surprised that Rohan's only figuring this out now. He thought Rohan had known from the beginning. Why else was he following Angus around?

Rohan says it's because they were friends.

Angus shrugs and says that's fair enough.

Rohan can't stomach what he's been hearing. This is news that's come crashing onto him, and Angus is happily chatting with the others and assuring them it was for the best - well, it was horrible, but at least it got them Draganta. Small price to pay for a kingdom, isn't it? And Angus gives a innocent bat of his eyes to the king and says, "You're welcome."

Which is when Rohan leaves the table. Not consciously, of course, but steadily. His ears are ringing at this point. He's not sure if he's cold or sweaty and he doesn't understand why he'd be either.

Rohan doesn't answer when he feels someone calling him. Ivar, he imagines. Although these feel like Garrett's hands leading him to sit. After... months, it seems, his vision - which had blurred some time ago - starts to clear again.

He sees Angus knelt over him. One hand gripping Rohan's shoulder. Angus looks worried and even scared, so different from the boy who'd only grinned in amazement that Rohan wasn't dead in a forest.

Angus had been talking. Rohan hadn't heard. Eventually, the sounds around him returned, and Angus was asking what was wrong. The others were there as well, in varying states of crowding around or stepping back to let Angus handle this.

In my last version of this daydream, Rohan and Angus talk this out right now. In this version, Rohan's more emotionally stunted than that. He apologizes for a making scene, says he isn't feeling well, and then excuses himself back to the hut.

Angus arrives later in the night. By how sheepishly he enters, it's clear to Rohan that Angus thinks he's the one who screwed up. He says as much, apologizing for lying, swearing he thought Rohan knew or puzzled it out by now.

And Rohan breaks.

I mean, truly breaks.

His entire plan was to be stoic about this. He was going to solemnly thank Angus for taking care of them as boys... and still even now, with how much work Angus did to keep him fed and with mended clothes...

But he breaks.

Because Angus was his best friend and was eight and never once complained about the truth of what there was to complain about. And Rohan had complained about that, calling Angus selfish. In hindsight, it was all so perfectly clear that Rohan felt like an ass for not figuring it out. Angus was right to assume he would. So now Rohan was left with an overwhelming guilt of having put that all onto a child, who'd been barely older than him and who'd needed someone's care, but was stuck with Rohan instead.

He cries so hard, he doesn't even realize he's crying into Angus' shoulder or that he's clutching onto his friend as tightly as he is. And Angus allows it to happen, in a flood of patience that never appears unless it's as dire as this. Rohan can feel himself being carefully handled until he's sat on the edge of his cot. It's there that Angus asks if Rohan wants to hear one more story. Rohan agrees by not disagreeing, and Angus sits Rohan back until he's propped up against the thief.

It's exactly like they used to be in those nights: Rohan lying against Angus, curled up under him, and Angus gently holding him there. It isn't perfect, since Rohan's bigger than Angus now, but it feels like a home that Rohan didn't earn.

Angus, in his half-dream of a voice that would never fail to have Rohan at ease, tells a story about a little boy named Schmangus.

Apparently, Schmangus had a hard life growing up. It'd been filled with war and hunger and cold and all the awful things those would do. He doesn't mince words, because he says Schmangus was terrified. Every corner had something new to fear, and he knew he had no choice but to face them anyway if he wanted to live.

One day, Schmangus found a corpse in a forest - only it wasn't a corpse, and it had a name: Schmohan. Schmangus and Schmohan - Rohan would've hit him if this dumb name wasn't so badly what he needed right now - became best friends and went everywhere together. Schmangus never asked him to, but Schmohan always followed along.

The trouble was that Schmohan had all the brains of a child who would drop dead in a forest, and was always trying to share food that wasn't enough to share, and fight wars with a dinky sword that hadn't helped against whatever had knocked Schmohan out in the first place. That meant it was up to Schmangus to keep them alive, and that meant Schmangus had to lie about it.

It wasn't so bad the first time. Or the second. By the third, it had become a pattern. And it got harder and harder to do. Schmangus felt like everywhere he went and everything he touched was cursed, and Schmohan hadn't asked for any of it. Schmangus wanted to keep that curse away from Schmohan for as long as he could; just like food, there was only so much peace to go around, and with how terrified Schmangus was, it only made sense to give that peace to Schmohan.

Stories turned the sounds of war and fire into a melody. Pockets turned a meager scrap into a meal for later. Sleep and water from the river, plus whatever he ate right from a villager's home, got Schmangus through most of it. The villagers didn't catch him often - sometimes Schmangus would just be hiding - but when they did, it was still worth the risk.

He only needed the peace to last until they were somewhere safe. He didn't know where 'safe' was, but now he was making an effort to look for it. Before, Schmangus would simply wander around. Now, he had Schmohan to care for.

Rohan says that Angus was only eight.

Angus says yes, he was, but this wasn't about him, it was about Schmangus, and also, shut it, he isn't done yet.

Schmangus felt a new kind of fear: one of failure. He knew he was only eight, and he knew he didn't know what he was doing. But if he could keep Schmohan from hating him for - shut it, Rohan - for dragging him all over the place like this, he'd be satisfied.

And he was. When they eventually made it to the castle, Schmohan had simply teased him about living in there. It was the best thing Schmangus had heard. It was like everything he'd gone through was worth it. Maybe he'd gone through it alone, but Rohan would always try to split everything - he meant Schmohan, shut up Rohan - and now one of them had enough of a peaceful life to share.

The story used to end there, Angus says, but there's a new ending to it now. Rohan is utterly relaxed into Angus, and at any other time, would have been dozing off already. He asks Angus for the new ending, and Angus provides.

Schmohan, as he'd said, was the sort of boy who'd fight a tree and have it topple over and crush him, so of course he grew up and never figured out any of this until Schmangus told it to him outright. But Schmohan wasn't a fool. Schmohan had become the best warrior of a kingdom named Schmells - Rohan did shove him a little for that - and had figured out many things, even if he still held a spoon like an angry rat - a lot of a shove from Rohan - so it had to mean that Schmangus was very good at lying.

Even on the nights where there were no sounds of war, Schmangus would lie awake worrying that Schmohan had enough. If there'd been any way for him to know that fifteen years later, Schmohan would still be looking back on those days as peaceful journeys with his friend, never aware of attacks, thinking food would appear by itself...

... that boy would've slept with a smile on his face, knowing he'd saved his friend from so much, so completely, his friend would long for those nights. He'd remember the stories as stories alone, and remember what they'd been about. He'd be happy. Still, obviously, very hungry and cold and awake, but happy for what it did.

Rohan asks if it's because Schmells got Schagmanta.

Angus says that's a dumb name, and everyone knows the champion of Schmells is called Footsy O'Bigtooth, and no, that's not why. It was worth it for Rohan alone. And he knows that isn't much, what with how upset Rohan is, but Angus was eight and trying his best. He would've done everything differently if he'd had a way to see their fate, but he didn't. So he doesn't regret doing what he could.

Especially not when it brought them here.

It sits in Rohan's mind for hours. Angus doesn't budge him, save to settle them better on the cot. Eventually, Rohan hears the steady, telltale breath of sleep brushing the top of his head.

He very slowly and carefully chances moving to look up. There, as it'd been in the story, was the softest smile on Angus' face.

Rohan curled himself back under his brother's chin, and went to sleep as well.

This also makes me laugh at the first episode, with Rohan trying to get Angus to go look for Draganta. This little shit really pulls the "are you gonna leave me unsupervised :3" card

I know, know - it's supposed to be about Angus suddenly deciding to cooperate once the chance to get out of jail disappears, but it's way better to read it as:

I just love the idea of Angus - after having stinkbombed Cathbad's room, after breaking into Cathbad's room, after getting arrested, after currently being in jail right now - as the responsible one. It says so much about Rohan, that Angus can't leave the guy to his own devices.

That's especially great after Angus is the one who refers to the quest as "risking his life," comparing it to "rotting in jail," and later, doesn't refer to being out of jail as his reward for coming along. Instead, he talks about how there'd better be jewels and gems and gold at the end. And he says that right after Rohan brings up how this is a better deal than being in the dungeon! It's not like Angus spontaneously forgot that this was how this started. He's correcting Rohan: "You're here 'cause I'm not in the king's dungeon. I'm here 'cause I can't let you wander around and die from summoning a three-headed dragon or something."

I also love that because Rohan said he'd do the quest himself on purpose, it means he knows Angus can't let him go alone, so it's the perfect way to torment Angus into it. >:3c Zero innocence, that one. He has done this before.