The Real Stuff + "Fanfic Adjacent" Stuff

AHHHH - so excited to finally have this finished! I've been flirting with the idea of it forever, 'cause it's the legit version of the Fanfic Adjacent idea I have linked below: Angus and Rohan growing up (a.k.a. the one where Angus tells stories).

This one has a different feel than the first concept - especially at the end. In the first one, it finishes with Angus comforting Rohan, assuring him Angus doesn't regret what had to be sacrificed to keep Rohan safe. Very sweet, and meant to focus on Rohan's guilt at leaving Angus to take care of them. I still like it, but now it's the idealized, fairytale version of how that conversation would go, where everyone's happy to accept it as the face-value gift it's meant to be.

The fanfic - the full one - heads in that direction too... but then it veers off to show, oh, Angus was not, actually, serenely at peace and happy with making so many sacrifices. In fact, he's got his own guilt over not doing a better job, 'cause he thinks he did it crappily (on account of being seven to at least nine, and possibly ten depending on when I decide they show up at Kells). And the whole reason he's never mentioned it since then, is 'cause he thought they had an unspoken agreement to forget it. Like, he never kicked up a fuss about Rohan calling him a brother or not, because he's just relieved Rohan doesn't hate him for 'quietly ruining their childhood'. There's also that implication I threw in about why Angus did so much: pure selfishness (his words, not mine lmao) because he didn't want Rohan to leave him. :( I think the question I was trying to answer was, "Well, if this is such a huge part of their lives, why didn't Angus mention it? Even accidentally?" 'Cause it was a conscious, active effort to ignore a lot of awful memories for him, that's why.

And then, yeah, there's still Rohan being guilty that Angus had to do everything. But mostly I was struggling to give an in-character explanation of the nuances on his side. He didn't originally consider Angus a brother, but I didn't want to seem like he "bestowed the honour of brotherhoodship" because Angus secretly 'earned it' through such dramatic actions. That's too transactional. Rohan loves Angus unconditionally, but he never thought Angus was interested in being 'real' family, 'cause he thought Angus hadn't put any effort into it. The unspoken agreement from his perspective was, "I can't force you to be my brother because we're not related by blood. So I'll settle for being best friends, since anything else would be expecting too much when you've already communicated your boundaries." So my idea was Rohan noticing there had been tons of little ways Angus had been - like... well, not giving hints, because Angus is trying to respect Rohan's boundaries by simply being grateful they 'moved past that big mess.' But Angus cares about Rohan, and there's enough of that coming out through his actions, and it's Rohan's - quote, unquote - "fault" for being so oblivious to that. He would've put the puzzle together if someone pointed out the pieces, but he never noticed the pieces were there. Not on purpose; it's just how his brain works. :P It was an emotionally costly but honest mistake.

But yeah, the guilt of leaving Angus on his own to care for them... :P If Rohan had noticed everything Angus had been doing since arriving at Kells (at a minimum), and realized he'd always had Angus as family, then the reveal of the truth in the villages would've horrified him, but things would've gone the way they were in the first concept I had: Angus calming him down, and Rohan agreeing to accept that work as an act of love, deepening his understand of how much Angus has always cared for him.

Conversely, if Rohan learned the truth about the villages a lot earlier, and then made the separate connection that Angus was a brother to him now (when they're both grown up), it would've been a shy, sweet story of Rohan nervously 'proposing' to Angus that they start calling each other brothers. In that case, the conflict would've been, "We've gone through so much together and never called each other that. Maybe it's proof he's not interested. How am I supposed to randomly bring this up without making him uncomfortable or having him sit me down to say he doesn't see me that way?" Angst, angst, angst, only to realize Angus is totally fine with it, 'cause of course he is. Maybe a little confused, because if Angus asks what's supposed to change, Rohan's gonna say, "Nothing. We just say we're brothers," which makes it seem like Rohan's twisting himself into knots over nothing...? And I love that: Angus being oblivious, but in the other direction. "Ok dude, I love you, I'll call you whatever you want, btw can I borrow twenty bucks?"

>:3 But instead, we get this: Rohan learns how much Angus has been like a brother to him at the same time he realizes how much Angus always cared about him. It takes it up from being a frightening guilt at not being able to help, or a nervous request to officially honour each other with that title, up to a chest-ripping panic attack. Can't stress that enough: this was overkill. I was worried it was gonna be too dramatic to have Rohan pass out for a sec, but - I mean. Come on. Your best friend's been looking out for you way more than anyone could've ever reasonably thought to do, plus you've just learned the real meaning of family and that you've been taking it for granted while also angsting about how much you wish you'd had a family, and you're learning that Angus thought you hated him for not doing a good enough job as a slightly older kid taking care of a younger one? After he randomly found you in the dirt one day to boot?! So I figured I could get away with it being dramatic. It also got him through his personal feelings faster when it to the awkwardness of having happy memories from what turned out to be terrible times. Now he could use that to help figure out the other stuff.

Anyway, I can finally look at the first concept as the version Rohan and Angus (separately) would've considered the 'right way' to have the conversation: they accept it, agree it was kinda shitty, they say thank you, then they move on as Real Brothers. No struggle required. And I can hold that up to the version they got in the official fanfic, where it wasn't like did an extreme shouting matching or anything, but where they would've been failing to do more than only imagine that 'right way'. As much as they wanted to, they couldn't escape the baggage.

The big upgrade to this version though, and why I went with it, is that Rohan's not as passive in the official fic when it comes to him and Angus being brothers. In the original idea, Angus handles it all: "It's fine, I don't regret it, you can wade in the delight of how much I protected you," and Rohan says, "Yep, sounds good," and it's done. Here, Rohan puts work in to bring Angus to him. Because Angus wanted to forget it again, right? But Rohan forced them to confront it and pick something that actually fulfilled them both. Yeah, they're gonna be back to 'normal' the next day, but in the full light of what they mean to each other, there'll be no more hiding and no more being oblivious. Bonus: fine, Rohan won't force Angus to let Rohan make it up to him, but in return, Angus has to let Rohan act as if they'd always been brothers. He's sorta slingshotting their progress to where it would've been if he'd been 'paying attention'.

Damn. All that, and for less than 9k words. :( I know size doesn't matter, and it was a very focused concept, but I wish it'd had more for folks to sink their teeth into. I'm eternally trapped between dragging things out for waaay too long and glossing things over so it doesn't drag.

Still turned out great though, except for all the thousands of typos. :P And now I can refer to it in any other fic I write! You all finally know how I saw them get their start. (Well, 80% of it. I still wanna reveal that last 20%).

... I'll be honest, I only half-remember where I was going with this. Angus was gonna come back as evil, it was gonna be a big and tragic face-off, but - like... I've had so many more refined "Something happens that is more or less attributable to Rohan's actions and now Angus is cursed to turn on them and it's heartbreaking" ideas since then. Hey, maybe I'll even write some one day! :') My only hope is that the few folks who actually read it and even took the time to review it see my other fanfic as a "Sorry I wrote three chapters and dipped" apology bouquet. But it's just like the post about Angus being Maeve's son: once I get up to the major emotional arc in my head, it's so hard coming back to write the rest of it, even if there's another emotional arc still waiting there. So one-shots are the way for me to go for the next while.